Noice

Yesterday I went to Union Square in Manhattan in an effort to look at some sofas in a furniture store, and run in to some chaos. Whole portions of the streets were blocked and men in hard hats were tearing up the concrete with large powerful drills. Yellow cranes were stretching above these men scooping up shards of concrete and droping the shards into towering piles. Trucks, buses, cabs and SUVs were honking and seething. As if the cranes and men were going to clear away the piles just so the vehicles could get past. Meanwhile pedestrians with pained looks on there faces were trying to cross the streets and meneuver each other on the too small side walks. The noice and stress was so much I had to take refuge in a movie theater to get away. I saw a very good movie called 'Crash'.

On my way back to Brooklyn I was thinking about the reasons why Brooklyn is better. Well the noice and chaos is definitly less but also in Union Square I was noticing that the rich people are just so rich and beautiful and the poor people are so decrepid and ugly. In Brooklyn people seem to travel more of a middle road.

The crazier the better

I love crazy kids. The crazier the better. This morning I met crazy little Lucy at the Brooklyn Kiddie State Hospital. She was transported by ambulance, from a hospital in Long Island, strapped to a guerney.

I never knew this hospital existed. I had gone down Ralph and turned right on Bergan so many times, on my way to the Kingsbourough projects. But never have I turned left and looked beyond the large mental gates.

Today I walked beyond those metal gates and saw a lovely campus with a pool and an excercise room. Life seems so pleasant there, in the middle of Bed Sty, surrounded by government housing, fast food and funeral homes, sits a pleasant spot for minority children with diagnoses and drug regeimes (sp?) in which all you sheltered white suburbanites can not fathom.

Fishing in Coney Island

Today I had a plans to go fishing in Coney Island. My friend K- was discharged from the nut hatch where she spent two weeks because of some sort of paranoid psychotic break. First she wanted to hang out then she changed her mind; then she changed her mind back. She left a message 'lets go for a walk. Lets go fishing or is that too suburban for you?' Huh? I want K to come to Brooklyn and I know alot of her Brooklyn experience is focused around drinking and we have to find other things because she no longer drinks. So I told her we can fish in Prospect park. The more I thought about it the more I realized fishing in a Prospect park, we may get yelled at by a Parks and Rec worker or even ticketed by a cop. But that long wooden pier at the end of the Boardwalk in Coney Island. People fish off that all the time! But my question is if I catch a fish can I eat it? But K ended up blowing me off. She had to babysit. What else is new?

My New York State of Mind

I think I may have developed the New York State of mind. Yesterday,
(and today) in Brooklyn, the weather was so rotton it made me want to admitt myself. At first I was going to say put a bullet in my head but that's not it, I simply want to admit myself.

The sky was purging itself over and over again from thick black grey clouds. I was walking down Flatbush ave to BAM Rose movie theaters. Because that seemed like the perfect depressing thing to do on depressing retchid weather day, go see a movie by myself. The strip of street in front of the BAM, to the right of that garden center, directly before I take a right on Laffayette, 12 umbrella corpses were scattered around. It was like an umbrella battle was fought and lost. The umbrellas thought they could fight the windy down pour but lost miserably.

I blaim those guys selling the $3 jobs on the sidewalks. If we want to prevent this just put out the money for the higher priced umbrellas and keep it moving. Because Brooklyn is n't Seattle. When it rains hear it pours. Some people would be suprised to know that in Seattle most people don't use umbrellas. When it rains there it is barely above a sprinkle. That is how residents can tell the tourists, by who has the umbrellas.

New York State of Mind

In Norwalk Hospital Psychiatric ward, my best friend currently sits. Coming, what ever it was that has come (I have researched on the internet but dont really know) she has caught or developed or grew, I cant say I saw it.
Though when I spend the time (believe me I have) I can pick about pieces of the last 25 years and say I saw it coming. It came on so fast but then it has been developing for a long time.

This (psychotic breaks) seems to be happening more and more often. We are fragile, fragile conflageration of cells. We as a society are falling about physically and mentally.

With Karen we can blaim in on many things but we can't blaim it on New York. When another friend of mine ended up in the nut house over a year ago the easiest target in that case was New York. Not the state. More like the New York State of Mind. When that young fellow was sprung loose from six weeks in the loony bin he was more determined then ever to stay in New York. But this determination waned and he started to hate this retchid cesspool

There is the long ago past. i.e growing up with an alcoholic father
There is the recent past. i.e breaking up with her boy friend who she lived with for 6 years.

To make the long story short last saturday she fell into a deep dark pool of paranoia.
Everybody was in on the plot. Her friends her family her coworkers were all plotting against her. Even the doctors (eye doctor) were violating her rights. It got me thinking that everybody has dipped there toes in the paranoia pool from time to time. I myself have but then forces of logic have pulled me out.
But last weekend Karen was full- on, full- body, skiny- dipping in the big black soupy pool of paranoia

Reality TV?

My Brother Blog, in his diatribe, asks a lot of questions. I dont believe, in 50 plus posting, I have asked one question. Its all been statements. And in Brother's third posting he questions 'why blog at all. Why do we feel the need to publish our inner most thoughts for all the world to see? Well I can tell you one thing, these are not my innermost thoughts. If you read my innermost thoughts your eyes might burn out of the socket.
Well let me ask a question. What is our current most vehement obsession? Reality TV. Everyday new titles are surfacing. Variations on titles. Sub variations on titles.
At some point everyone is going to have either worked for a reality show or been in a reality show.
The rest of us we have our blogs.

(ins) pirat (ion)?

Maybe a little more. Before I quit forever.

Yester I went to the NYCHA sponsored Kingsbourough Project at Ralph and Atlantic. A little side note the C line was supposedly destroyed for five years, a few short weeks ago but came back to life. Well I took the C line just for the bugs hit streets (see past posting for explaination (kids from school) . I could feel the tension on the subway and the streets, like the quiet before the storm. So once at Kingsbourough I walk to Leithas one bedroom on the first floor. She answers the door with out her teeth in. But otherwise she had eye shadow and her nails are curved into multi colored claws.
We sit down and talked about whether people can change. Do we believe people can change? I believe any one can, absolutley everyone except for abusive spouses.

On Saturday

On Saturday I went to..........

I just read Ians recent Blog entry and boy I can not compete. I give up. I have nothing to say. I am sorry to waste your time.
Please forgive me.

How is everything going with you Marc?

I am feeling uninspired.

I spent the last two days at my desk in a room with no windows. The heat was on in the building even though temperature out side had risen to a balmy 55 degrees. Not a good situation when what I am wearing is my long dead uncles old cashmire sweaters. I think I even started to smell alittle.
At three oclock everyday I would venture outside just to get the five minutes of sunlight to keep me from getting seasonal effective disorder, to get a cup o coffee and fight my way through the bugs buzzing around on the street. (kids coming home from school)

At night, I trudged down Flatbush avenue back home. So uninspiring.

I feel like maybe spring is coming. I can't wait for the buds on the trees that make everything look asian. But the weather guru said snow on sunday. So much for asian.

Good I was worried.

I was worried that you were reading this.

I thought only Noel reads this.

I have been leaving Brooklyn quite a bit lately. On Sunday I took the Long Island Rail Road, got on at the Flatbush ave station, to see Sister Margaret Williams, got off at Rockville center. Mag and her buddy Caritas. Caritas one of the last Nuns who wears a habit because it helps keep her from getting speeding tickets. Mag, Caritas and I went to a local greek diner and I witnessed the power of the habit. The owner came over to Caritas 'oh hello Sister, good to see you again Sister'. Mag gets a kick out of it. Though it does not push her to ever whip out the habit again. Maybe she just likes to know she a secret member of this club.
Back at Mag's apartment Mag asked me what a Blog was. I tried to log on to show her but could not even get on my own Blog. Maybe it is for the better because there may have been something imcriminating.

Today I spent the day in Staten Island, all day. Yuck!

A theme song?

Condeleeza Rice has a theme song that is part of the campaign for president for 2008. Huh?

Do you read this Marc?

Russia?

This week in Brooklyn the weather was going nuts. Up, down, chaos. -20 degree gusts of wind whipping large paper bags up two stories above the ground and then felt like they were going to pick the car up just like Dorathy in the movie. I thought to myself this must be what Siberia is like. Well this afternoon my credit card company called me at work. I answered the phone and a woman asked me 'Jessica, we were wondering have you made any charges in Russia recently? ' What I ask? Aparantly all week someone has been withdrawing money on my credit card all over Russia. Good thing is they are not going to make me pay for it. What do you know. I felt like I was in Russia while my credit card actually was.

Sheesh Noel

My post has nothing to do with your comments (or do they?).
Since my last post the weather has erupted into global chaos. The suposed advent has spring flipped the script on us and turned Brooklyn into a version of Siberia.
The day after the 70 degrees day Ivon, my co worker, wanted me to accompany her to the sea of project in Brownville for necessary 48 hour visit to a new case. Ivon has to balance her check book and call her cousin before we leave the office. After we leave we take the 4 train to get her car at Utica. The wind is wipping around us in medium size tornado's. Plastic bags of all sizes are flying by us. At one point the wind rattles the car almost like it is going to pick it up but it doesn't. Snow came down earlier that day. Aparantly the snow had become impacted on all hard surfaces. Not very good for Ivon and her high heal boots. Wind still wiping everywhere. We drive to the P J 's in Brownsville. Trying to find damn 230 Osborne or was it 270 Osborne or was it 280 Osborne. Well the long of the short of it is we never found it. Brownsville was hell that night. The couple minutes out side were painfull. Hell is not fire and heat. Hell is trying to find an adress you never been before in the Brownsville projects on a night of 10 below 50 mile per hour winds wipping garbage all around you, 8:00 at night and hungry to boot.
Ivon was wearing her high heal boots also.
Tonight Ivon roped me into the journey again. She knew exactly to go. We park and I hide my wallet in my bra.
I spend the next hour trying to entertain myself in a dumpy apartment with hoards of rugrats jumping about while Ivon interviewed the necesary adults and looked at the physical plant. I was able to organize the rugrats into an Americas next top model competition. Turns out Jaquan, the 11 year old boy loves to dress up in womans clothes.

Its sunny today

Yes it was. And I spent the day in Manhattan at the Institute of Audio Research. Why did I leave Brooklyn you ask. Well I do that every now and then. I try not too. But today I went to IAR open house with Ralph. Very interesting, everythings is done on computer now. The face of music recording has changed over the last two years.

Well since the City has become a novelity to me, somewhere I go every six weeks or so, I wanted to stay. So we did. We went around the to the parks and sat in the chilly sunlight. Yes it was.

Then later Back in Brooklyn. I graced the free night at the Brooklyn Museum of Art thinking I would see the Basquiat visit. No its not there. Six more days. I did see the archives on exibition. Oh Wow all different types of teapots and silverware sets. Art deco I guess.
But what I did see was a one woman play called 'the beautiful hills of Brooklyn'. The writer had found her great aunts journel writen 76- 78. The aunt was living in Flatbush, her memory fading away and the neighborhood was changing. ,

I can talk about brooklyn

Last night in Connecticut I took part in a conversation with a 33 year old man who told me he was born in Flatbush. I started to muse about the wonders of Flatbush over the last 50 years. I could see his eyes start to drift elsewhere. So I knew to stop. I just ended with I could talk about Brooklyn forever. He laughed.

Today on the way back from Connecticut I stoped by Central Park (not in brooklyn) to see The Gates. All I can say inane. isane.
I hope they recycle that orange safron
This would never happen in Brooklyn.

Exhausted

Today, the day after a slush storm, enboldened with four hours sleep, I traversed our beautiful bourough. First this morning I took the 3 train to Rockaway, across from Vandyke projects, a little building on Mother Gaston (who was she?). An hour or so over there and then back on the 3, transfered to the 2 train at Franklin, heard the infernal calypso singer (from thesubwaytrip fame) sing not 'when the saints go marching in' but 'three little birds', and chuckled. I then got off at church, walked about 25 blocks to my next destination near Kings County Hospital. By this time I was sick of walking over piles of melted snow and puddles of melted snow I want to go home.
So afterwards I got on the B52. Or was that the B54. I got off at the junction area, where the elevated J train and C train converge. There are about five bus lines that converge there also. I had a tuna salad in bag that needed eaten about that time. Where to eat it was the question. Because I don't like to eat on public transportation. It is like eating in the bathroom. There is a three story Mcdonalds with American Flags waving all over it. (about the onlything in the neighborhood bysides a check cashing place) The good news was I could not even bring myself to step in. Across the street, next to the check cashing place is a Dunkin Donuts. I took shelter from the wet and from the stink to eat my tuna salad.
After this, back on the B54 to Vermont and Liberty. About an hour or so there.
After this I walk to the C train. Did I tell you my pants are wet up to my kneees by now. Though I go underground now, out of the wet but not out of the stink, I take the the C to the F to the N. To Astoria. I emerge in a totally different bourough (Queens) and two hours later. About a half hour there and then.
Finished. AAARRRFFF

Mean

Did not mean to be mean.
"How many of ya'll seen Blue in the Face" I saw it last week and laughed till I was. I think I saw it many years ago and not appreachiated it at all. But now after living in Brooklyn For four years I could not stop laughing. It was directed by the wonderful Paul Auster. Who lives around the block from me.

Yeah its your fault noel.

Well I am back in Brooklyn. After visit my old friend Danielle in Seatle. Ralph came along.
We got a taste of the local everyday neighborhood life and a taste of the vast untouched wilderness and the lonely stretches of primative beaches.
And it all was thought provoking. After four years of living in Brooklyn how differ the city out there are. What I mean is the environmental conciousness, (sp?) the conservation. Living concously, (sp) not consuming. New Yorkers just dont give a fuck. They are too busy surviving. NYC had a recycling program but it was cut for budget reasons. It may have been reinstated but I dont know.

Even the street garbage cans have recycling bins in the North west.
After hearing that NYC has no recycling program Danielle fell into a blubbering fit of 'thats disgusting, that pathetic.' and I found myself defending New York telling her that recycling does not make sense.
But latter on when we were walking down a gorgeous strip of untouch coast line Ralph tossed his can of Fosters in it the waves. I burst out crying and swearing at him. I waded knee deep to get the can and made him swear on his life to never ever do that again.
Go figure.

My Secret

I know my secret is out now Noel. But no one reads this except for you right? And you already know my secret.

What happened in Brooklyn today. More melted snow, more bad choices in transportation thus resulting in desperatly late arrivals. One day I hope to have the whole bus system memorized. To any of you out there I live in probably the only geographic area where a car is a liability rather than an asset.
Lucky me.
Tommorrow I leave Brooklyn

My story

A couple days a go I receive a call from my husband telling me he's coming over friday night. (it's a shame of a marraige, I asure you a marraige of convience that is getting damn inconviencent) I have not seen him for about a month, only evidence of him. Like an empty chinese food carten, an empty bottle of Colt 45)
He has not been around for a reason, because he was around too much, meaning every night and all day for months and months and months. Boyfriend kicked him out right after Thanksgiving because boyfriend felt I needed more privacy. So sensitive of boyfrind to do that because husband and boyfriend used to be best friends. (that is the only reason why I married husband). And there was a time when I was calling husband boyfriend's boyfriend. Not any more.
After the Thankgiving booting Ol' husband left a long tearful message on my cell phone. (how can thou beseach me) I didnt return the phone call.
But husband got me at work this week. Told me he was coming friday.
So this morning I awoke at 5:30 am to a blast of creole coming from the living room. It was boyfriend and husband yelling at each other. I lay there with a pillow over my head. Maybe they will stop. They don't. The yelling continues I keep waiting for them to start pushing each other. I think I hear a scuffle so I get up and and scream at them 'get in her Boyfriend, go away husband or I am going to call 911'. Boyfriend says I'll take care of this. So I lie down and put the pillow over my head.
They continue screaming at each other only to both occasionally stop periodically to tell me to call 911 on the other. When I finally get up boyfriend throws the phone against the wall breaking it into pieces.

I realize screaming and threatening myself is not going to do anything. So I put myself in a personally crafted police officer responding to a domestic violence call mode. Only two hours later am I able to get boyfriend to go to bed and husband to leave. Husband agrees that he will come back and get his stuff tommorrow and leave his key. He didn't.
Life in Brooklyn is so stressful sometimes.

My own brand of ish

That's ok Noel. I acting as if what I am spouting makes any sort of sense. Lets see what is happening today. First lets start on yesterday- the mounds, yes and I am talking waste high mounds (whose waste? My waste. most wastes) of light grey matter started to melt. The streets were turning to rivers. Can you imagine? The water? Temp was 38 I think. And today the mounds froze over. The temp was down to 16. In fact every surface slicked over. You know it is not global warming it is global yo yo ing.

I look around and notice the people not wearing hats. They look difference, their faces are flushed and they look pained. It is just that they are so much more cold then the hat wearers.

The great unifier (sp?)

What is your message Noel? Large plate of food dood? huh?
Well today I discover more bus wonders around Brooklyn. I discovered 1001 h and r block setting up shop in all neighboorhoods. Because tax time is coming up and taxes are the great unifier. (sp?) Why do I get so exhausted as if I am 29 going on 100? Mag told me that she went to a funeral of an 100 year old lady today.

Refridgeration

The world is aflicted with a condition called called refridgeration. Today after a 25 minute wait for the B14 (corner of sutter and vermont) My blood iced in my veins. Now I am warm. I dont think I can do this tommorrow.

origination

Yesterday was the storm of the century. And I decided to walk to Macys today to use the 150 dollars in gift cards to purchase lucero of the child psychiatric hospital much needed clothing. Following that I took an LIRR to Amittyville. The fifteen minute walk from the train station to Brusnwick was the most trechorous stretch I remember ever. I prayed like I have not prayed before or in a long time. I found myself saying 'god help me through this'. Later I saw a display that said 13 degrees. But my lack of layers and the windchill made it so much worse. And the blister that bloodied my sock. The clothes I brought to my little mental patient were mostly too small. Princess Chublet is downing eating many sweets taking to much Lithium and no exercising. more later

Compulsions

Yesterday I left work with a bad taste in my mouth but called my father. Braved the drunken clowniness so to speak. But it is my first to aggressive passive agressivness. I will save my father. So to speak.
Back to work. I was observing a visit between a four year old girl and her cousin. slash. mother. slash mothers boyfriend.
I learned something. Like always. People will take kindess for weekness. I knew this already. What do I need to say. I am sick of thinking about this and talking about this. The fact of the matter is I left work feeling the heaviness and weariness of this job. And when I vented to a coworker she really railed me for being weak. Why do I consistantly feel such lack of confidence in my work and how other feel about my work? Why? Will this happen forever? Maybe. Did I not feel this before. I dont know. But in the same way they do cheer me on and encourage me. I know I am so confused.
I went to a movie with my boo last night and through out all of House of Flying Daggers I was thinking what I need to change what i could have done differently. I dont know.

another cancer diagnoses

My friend Jonathan just called me and told his mother was just told she has lung cancer. He is going running. At least he doesn't have it.
I dont know where this blog is going.
Last weekend I went to connecticut and hung with karen and the bros. We sat with drunk dad on Saturday night. We laughed at his clowniness. But I was told later that that is bad for the Soul.
My dads Soul has been transgressed by the wicked demoness who crawls back into her coffins every night at 9:00.
She leaves and dad starts doing whisky shooters. I can not even look wicked demoness in the eyes when she is in the room. I cant even say a word. What am I afraid of I ask you? Am I afraid of red hot lazers shooting out of her eyes and blowing my head up?

still no donation

The title refers to what I have not done. Meaning to the tsunami victims.
I called the red cross and hung up? Why I have no idea. I sweated through another day at the office. Sitting at the computer. I did sit with my supervisor for a thing called supervision. I always feel that she does not have much confidence in me. No forget that I cant revisit those old feelings. But after that I barely made contact with a client. I dont know what to do. Finished another UCR (stands for uniform case report) do them everysix months. They are on an average 25 to 30 pages. I have been told they are the money maker s for the agency. And they are the money loosers if we do them late. Meaning we get sanctioned if they are late.

No kids no drama no traveling nothing.
that way i get to give Ralph my metro card.

Speaking of Ralph we smoked a phili and drank a phorty and sat on the cofee table.

thinking

I am a child welfare worker. Did you know? Today I spent most of the day sitting at my desk trying to catch up on november notes. Too complicated to go at more than a snails pace.
And filled with a bit of anxiety. Because if the shit hits the fan. the first thing they look at is my notes. And they have to be good.
i made some phone calls took a few phone calls. Talked to my girl Ivory. Who does not want to do anything in life because she is afraid to make a mistake. She has been in the system since she was four and she is twenty.
I told her to just do it. She will make a mistake. Everyone does and you just get up and shake the dust off your feet and keep it moving. I spoke to her today and told her that.
I also spoke to Lanew. He got into a fight with his teacher. I told him some techniques on how to control his anger.

a month ohshit

Here I am Blogging amonth later. Isnt this supposed to be everyday? I have a mind like cheese. Happy new year to everyone. From Flatbush avenue in Brooklyn USA. Last night myself and some of my nearest and dearest hung out of my four story window and watched two sets of fireworks right after the strike of midnight. Wonderful? Yeash.