My Secret

I know my secret is out now Noel. But no one reads this except for you right? And you already know my secret.

What happened in Brooklyn today. More melted snow, more bad choices in transportation thus resulting in desperatly late arrivals. One day I hope to have the whole bus system memorized. To any of you out there I live in probably the only geographic area where a car is a liability rather than an asset.
Lucky me.
Tommorrow I leave Brooklyn

My story

A couple days a go I receive a call from my husband telling me he's coming over friday night. (it's a shame of a marraige, I asure you a marraige of convience that is getting damn inconviencent) I have not seen him for about a month, only evidence of him. Like an empty chinese food carten, an empty bottle of Colt 45)
He has not been around for a reason, because he was around too much, meaning every night and all day for months and months and months. Boyfriend kicked him out right after Thanksgiving because boyfriend felt I needed more privacy. So sensitive of boyfrind to do that because husband and boyfriend used to be best friends. (that is the only reason why I married husband). And there was a time when I was calling husband boyfriend's boyfriend. Not any more.
After the Thankgiving booting Ol' husband left a long tearful message on my cell phone. (how can thou beseach me) I didnt return the phone call.
But husband got me at work this week. Told me he was coming friday.
So this morning I awoke at 5:30 am to a blast of creole coming from the living room. It was boyfriend and husband yelling at each other. I lay there with a pillow over my head. Maybe they will stop. They don't. The yelling continues I keep waiting for them to start pushing each other. I think I hear a scuffle so I get up and and scream at them 'get in her Boyfriend, go away husband or I am going to call 911'. Boyfriend says I'll take care of this. So I lie down and put the pillow over my head.
They continue screaming at each other only to both occasionally stop periodically to tell me to call 911 on the other. When I finally get up boyfriend throws the phone against the wall breaking it into pieces.

I realize screaming and threatening myself is not going to do anything. So I put myself in a personally crafted police officer responding to a domestic violence call mode. Only two hours later am I able to get boyfriend to go to bed and husband to leave. Husband agrees that he will come back and get his stuff tommorrow and leave his key. He didn't.
Life in Brooklyn is so stressful sometimes.

My own brand of ish

That's ok Noel. I acting as if what I am spouting makes any sort of sense. Lets see what is happening today. First lets start on yesterday- the mounds, yes and I am talking waste high mounds (whose waste? My waste. most wastes) of light grey matter started to melt. The streets were turning to rivers. Can you imagine? The water? Temp was 38 I think. And today the mounds froze over. The temp was down to 16. In fact every surface slicked over. You know it is not global warming it is global yo yo ing.

I look around and notice the people not wearing hats. They look difference, their faces are flushed and they look pained. It is just that they are so much more cold then the hat wearers.

The great unifier (sp?)

What is your message Noel? Large plate of food dood? huh?
Well today I discover more bus wonders around Brooklyn. I discovered 1001 h and r block setting up shop in all neighboorhoods. Because tax time is coming up and taxes are the great unifier. (sp?) Why do I get so exhausted as if I am 29 going on 100? Mag told me that she went to a funeral of an 100 year old lady today.

Refridgeration

The world is aflicted with a condition called called refridgeration. Today after a 25 minute wait for the B14 (corner of sutter and vermont) My blood iced in my veins. Now I am warm. I dont think I can do this tommorrow.

origination

Yesterday was the storm of the century. And I decided to walk to Macys today to use the 150 dollars in gift cards to purchase lucero of the child psychiatric hospital much needed clothing. Following that I took an LIRR to Amittyville. The fifteen minute walk from the train station to Brusnwick was the most trechorous stretch I remember ever. I prayed like I have not prayed before or in a long time. I found myself saying 'god help me through this'. Later I saw a display that said 13 degrees. But my lack of layers and the windchill made it so much worse. And the blister that bloodied my sock. The clothes I brought to my little mental patient were mostly too small. Princess Chublet is downing eating many sweets taking to much Lithium and no exercising. more later

Compulsions

Yesterday I left work with a bad taste in my mouth but called my father. Braved the drunken clowniness so to speak. But it is my first to aggressive passive agressivness. I will save my father. So to speak.
Back to work. I was observing a visit between a four year old girl and her cousin. slash. mother. slash mothers boyfriend.
I learned something. Like always. People will take kindess for weekness. I knew this already. What do I need to say. I am sick of thinking about this and talking about this. The fact of the matter is I left work feeling the heaviness and weariness of this job. And when I vented to a coworker she really railed me for being weak. Why do I consistantly feel such lack of confidence in my work and how other feel about my work? Why? Will this happen forever? Maybe. Did I not feel this before. I dont know. But in the same way they do cheer me on and encourage me. I know I am so confused.
I went to a movie with my boo last night and through out all of House of Flying Daggers I was thinking what I need to change what i could have done differently. I dont know.

another cancer diagnoses

My friend Jonathan just called me and told his mother was just told she has lung cancer. He is going running. At least he doesn't have it.
I dont know where this blog is going.
Last weekend I went to connecticut and hung with karen and the bros. We sat with drunk dad on Saturday night. We laughed at his clowniness. But I was told later that that is bad for the Soul.
My dads Soul has been transgressed by the wicked demoness who crawls back into her coffins every night at 9:00.
She leaves and dad starts doing whisky shooters. I can not even look wicked demoness in the eyes when she is in the room. I cant even say a word. What am I afraid of I ask you? Am I afraid of red hot lazers shooting out of her eyes and blowing my head up?

still no donation

The title refers to what I have not done. Meaning to the tsunami victims.
I called the red cross and hung up? Why I have no idea. I sweated through another day at the office. Sitting at the computer. I did sit with my supervisor for a thing called supervision. I always feel that she does not have much confidence in me. No forget that I cant revisit those old feelings. But after that I barely made contact with a client. I dont know what to do. Finished another UCR (stands for uniform case report) do them everysix months. They are on an average 25 to 30 pages. I have been told they are the money maker s for the agency. And they are the money loosers if we do them late. Meaning we get sanctioned if they are late.

No kids no drama no traveling nothing.
that way i get to give Ralph my metro card.

Speaking of Ralph we smoked a phili and drank a phorty and sat on the cofee table.

thinking

I am a child welfare worker. Did you know? Today I spent most of the day sitting at my desk trying to catch up on november notes. Too complicated to go at more than a snails pace.
And filled with a bit of anxiety. Because if the shit hits the fan. the first thing they look at is my notes. And they have to be good.
i made some phone calls took a few phone calls. Talked to my girl Ivory. Who does not want to do anything in life because she is afraid to make a mistake. She has been in the system since she was four and she is twenty.
I told her to just do it. She will make a mistake. Everyone does and you just get up and shake the dust off your feet and keep it moving. I spoke to her today and told her that.
I also spoke to Lanew. He got into a fight with his teacher. I told him some techniques on how to control his anger.

a month ohshit

Here I am Blogging amonth later. Isnt this supposed to be everyday? I have a mind like cheese. Happy new year to everyone. From Flatbush avenue in Brooklyn USA. Last night myself and some of my nearest and dearest hung out of my four story window and watched two sets of fireworks right after the strike of midnight. Wonderful? Yeash.