Today

Well, i have to get back in the swing of this blog. I sit here, on my couch surrounding by this oppresive humidity, the consistant instrusive music from the Wing Wagoneers wagons pulsing up towards my window, Felix is finally asleep in the other room, nearly naked and devouring his fingers. I think about how I really have trouble finding something to say though someone told me yesterday that my compulsive need for detail in my relating a story or occurance is a symptom of the chaos that has occured in the past.
The last day or two I have really intraspective. I cannot believe that at that age I am I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I am stuck in this vicious world of social service and I can not move. I keep trying and trying to find another job but strangly I am looking at the same job and something is keeping me where I am. I am searching to get paid for what juices me. What I am doing, working as a foster care social worker does not juice me. It is so stale it makes me want to cry. I cant catch up. I cant do it right. I cant please everyone. Sometimes I can't please anyone. Do I need to move forward or go through a career change. When I first started this job I knew I wanted to write. I knew one day it would happen. And the drama and the stories of these peoples lives just worked well with my goals as a writer. Now i don't really write anymore. Why don't I write anymore. I think subconciously I have decided that my writing will never amount to anything so instead of just writing in vain why don't I just stop.